I got a lot of crap done today, but none of it was stuff that I actually wanted to do or felt like doing. From the moment I woke up until now, I have been in “crazy mode.” What crazy mode looks like for me is that I look like I’ve had Vyvanse and Red Bull, only I haven’t, so I’m actually getting tons of crap done, but getting easily distracted at the same time.
To top all that off, I have an insane sinus infection that appears to only be getting worse. It has now moved to my throat and I sound like some one who has been smoking since the age of five.
And speaking of age, I’m about to turn 40 in two days. And that’s all I’m saying about that for a moment, because it freaking makes me want to just stick a fork in my eyeball or something.
So, back to my day. Around 4:45, I was about to leave school to attend a school related function at a different location. And I was feeling really productive but also really crappy, both physically and mentally. I was trying to keep it together, but I just couldn’t stop crying.
I texted two of my close friends.
“I’m crying and I’m jacked up and I have laryngitis and I’m about to turn 40, and…” blah blah blah, I started thinking and talking about so many other bizarre things, like the time I was in second grade and wanted to start a sticker club at recess but no one liked my stickers.
My friends listened. My friends encouraged. I cried more. My laryngitis got worse from the crying. And then they sent me love and light and I was mostly fine.
I bought a Starbucks drink, went into Walgreens and bought tissues and some random kissy emoji that was on a keychain and, for some reason, was calling my name.
I looked down at that emoji key chain and was like, “hmmmm. Maybe I can picture that emoji sending me love. Self love. Self compassion.”
I think I may have even said that outloud in my raspy laryngitical (is that a word ? OMG) voice, because other people were looking at me like I was borderline disturbed.
But I drove away, feeling satisfied with my purchases, and entered the event. I hugged children, drank Starbucks, saw kind colleagues and happy people, and then felt normal again.
You guys, FEELINGS ARE JUST FEELINGS. Sometimes you just have to wait them out a little bit. Pay attention to your heart. Pay attention to your center. It’s a struggle every single day to be the person I’m intended to be.
I’m sensitive. What that means is that while I can be very empathetic, I also feel the feels pretty deeply sometimes. Sometimes I will just feel sad. No real trigger. No real reason. Just disappointed or empty.
And sometimes there is a VERY real reason-a very disconcerting one, and that’s another kind of sadness. I’m all too familiar with both genres of sadness.
In the next couple of days, I’ll be looking at my key chain for encouragement on how to get through this turning 40 gibberish. It’s either that or I’m grabbing some forks.